Written by: Danielle Nutter
The Past Me
My need for attachment started when I was a senior in high school. At the time, my main focus was playing sports and working part-time to buy things I wanted. When it was time to prepare for the prom, I was clueless. While my friends were picking out dresses and reserving hotels, I was still looking for a date. All my friends knew it and tried to help me find an escort. Everyone else had a partner, and no one wanted to go with me. That was the first time I felt unwanted.
I wasn’t interested in boys and dreaded dressing up. But to please my parents and fit in with my classmates, I agreed to let the son of one of my mother’s friends take me. Since then, my fear of being alone fueled my dependency on attaching to others for validation. To avoid future humiliation, I was sure to have a companion and a possible lover on the side, so I wouldn’t feel undesirable again.
My Battle With the Past Me
With every new relationship, I treated it as a marriage and tried to be loyal and loving. When problems arose, I turned to my spare tire for good times. Eventually, my partners found out and left me. However, I was unaffected because I had already disconnected and started over with another suitor. When I started my fifth union, I convinced myself it was my last chance at love. I dedicated all my efforts to making it work because I was tired of starting over.
My past behavior of moving on to the next without fixing my faults made it impossible for any of my connections to work out. I was the reason all of them ended, and I felt guilty. All my baggage interfered with my ability to love myself and my chosen companion. Even though I was loyal and made countless sacrifices, relationship number five ended, leaving my heart and spirit broken.
All I could think about was how my previous exes felt when I selfishly disregarded their feelings. I remember telling myself – “This is what you get! What goes around comes back around.” It was my turn to experience what I had dished out. I realized it wasn’t as easy as I thought to let go and move on from someone you love. Because I neglected to heal the ‘past me,’ my faults in the ‘present me led me to my first broken heart.
Step 8: Make a list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make amends to them all.
Heal’n the Past Me
Mending from past trauma is essential to the healing process. How many of us can honestly admit that all our relationships ended maturely, and we took the time to self-reflect before moving on to the next?
Surprisingly, I have remained friends with or on speaking terms with my exes. To apologize for my poor actions and decisions, I contacted them and shared that karma had caught up with me. I also allowed them to tell me anything on their mind or ask questions in case they had a little residue about how we split. Before reaching out, I made a contact list of who I harmed and how I hurt them:
Remember For Your Heal’n
Opening the heart to forgive those who caused you pain and being willing to express remorse to those you have hurt is a sign of growth. Think deeply about those you have upset. Are you prepared to face your past lovers and have a one-sided discussion about the grief you caused?
Making amends is not a blanket apology for everyone you have done wrong. It should be a simple act of compassion to admit and take responsibility for your wrong actions. Your amends should be sincere and without expectation.
Although making amends cannot restore all relationships, letting your hurt loved ones know that you regret your behavior can allow them to find closure and help you rid yourself of the shame and guilt of your misconduct.
Your Two Cents…
Is there a person you would like to make amends with? Leave your comment below.