Written by: Danielle Nutter
Making Direct Amends
Life has a way of disrupting our intentions and plans. A resilient person can overcome the hurdles and struggles that arise without warning. Some of us have an inner strength to keep going, while some may need help to maintain. We all want to live our version of happiness and will do whatever we can to feel good. Unfortunately, to fulfill our yearnings, we recklessly hurt the ones we love – leaving a trail of pain and regret. When the dust settles, what is a reasonable way to reach out and try to repair a broken relationship with someone you have made unhappy?
My Battle With Making Direct Amends
Sadly, I have hurt a few people in my past. I am very embarrassed about my behavior, and my only explanation for my actions is that I was thinking more about my feelings than theirs. I was aware that the way I handled my breakups was very immature, so when my heart got broken, all I could think about was letting my exes know karma had finally caught up with me. For some reason, I thought sharing my hardship with them would bring them some satisfaction and a little humor.
Step 9: Make direct amends with those possible without injury to them or harm to others.
HEAL’N TEES
Heal’n My Past With Direct Amends
Facing the person you hurt without knowing their reaction takes a lot of courage. Because each of my exes was unique and the reasons we broke up were different, there was no generic apology for them all. I prepared my amends to be personal and honest. I also considered allowing them to ask me questions about our past partnership and my new troubles. Further, I prepared myself to hear how happy they were without me! Before contacting any of them, I used this template for each ex-girlfriend to help me present my true feelings. Below is an example of how I approached my last partner.
Name: Girlfriend #5
- The memory of the harm I caused her: We were together for six years. A lot of things happened. Some of the most disturbing were the times, out of jealousy, I purposely said mean things to hurt her feelings and physically abused her.
- Thoughts of harm I caused her: Before becoming an abuser, I heard stories about others who were offenders, and I thought they were horrible people and did not deserve love. And I did not understand why two people stayed together when they were unhappy.
- Feelings about the harm I caused her: As an abuser, I believe that my actions were unacceptable, and I was not worthy of her love. I feel incredibly guilty and ashamed of my conduct.
- Future intentions to prevent harming another: To make better choices in the future, I first had to find out what angered me to the point that I wanted to hurt someone else. I looked for patterns in my behavior. I noticed that my anger developed when I could not control or felt neglected by my ex. Moving forward, it is best that I communicate better with all my future partners by first letting them know I am a rehabilitated abuser. We will discuss my triggers and how to respect my space when I am highly emotional. Plus, it is my responsibility to have self-discipline and control my actions when things do not go my way. Relationships require compromise and respect.
- Amends I made for the harm I caused: I called girlfriend #5 and asked her to come to my house. She did. Her presence felt like when we first became friends. We reminisced about old times, good times, and hopeful future times. Then, I revisited some challenging situations between us and asked for forgiveness for all my wrongdoings and mistreatment towards her. Luckily, she was merciful and accepted my apologies. At the end of our reunion, we hugged at my front door for about 15 minutes. She left, and we haven’t spoken since.
Remember For Your Heal’n
Having sincere intentions and following through with them when making amends is critical to reconnecting with your friends and loved ones. Evaluate the timing and level of commitment to your healing process before attempting to apologize prematurely. Use the above guide to help organize your thoughts and express your feelings more clearly.
Occasionally, things work out as planned, but remember that your attempt to patch emotional gaps may lead to rejection. Just because you are ready doesn’t mean the other person is. If they are not, leave them an open invitation to contact you if they change their mind.
Your Two Cents…
Think thoroughly about those you have caused pain to. Are you ready to salvage the lost love? Leave your comment below.