Written by: Danielle Nutter
Bargaining
The phase between breaking up and moving on can be a sensitive and vulnerable period. Feelings of loneliness can become overwhelming, provoking you to reach out and make a reunion deal with your ex. Some common pleas sound like, “I miss you so much. Please come back, and I promise I will.” Or, “If you don’t do this, then I won’t do that.” The pain and separation of being without the person that used to be your center can be an empty reality to accept. It is natural to try to delay the grieving process to feel a moment of joy and their presence again.
My Experience With Bargaining
Throughout our relationship, I did almost anything to keep us together. But the history of my girlfriend cheating and lying to me remained in the back of my mind and resurfaced whenever she did things without me. Those haunting memories made me act in a jealous and insecure way that eventually deteriorated the little trust we had.
Instead of cutting my losses during our repeated breaks from each other, I kept reassuring her that I would trust and believe what she told me. And I continued making deals with her, promising to let go of her previous unfaithful acts. I would also tell myself, “I am going to clean her slate and start over brand new.” I honestly tried to forgive her, but I couldn’t forget about the hurtful things she did in the past.
After the final breakup, I didn’t attempt to reconcile with her because I knew and felt we were finished, beyond repair. As a result, I tried to make a deal with God, asking Him to take away my emotional suffering, and in return, I would seek Him rather than replace my void with another lover.
HEAL’N TEES
Stage 4: Bargaining
After the breakup, you may:
- Try to convince your ex to return by promising to make it better.
- Feel regret and overthink. For example, wondering what if or if only I had scenarios.
- Make a deal with your higher power to negotiate your fate. Ex: “God, please bring her back, and I will …”
Heal’n Practices
Obsessing about the past, pre-occupying yourself with the future, or waiting for troubles to show up can lead to more stress and disappointment. Concentrate on staying in the here and now. Here are some ways to develop your inner being and help you live in the present moment:
1. Pay attention to your thoughts. Recognize the stories you frequently create that have not happened but are causing you to feel sad. STOP and think about the here and now. Shift your attention from wondering about what if and focus on what is.
2. Single-tasking. Slow down and aim your attention to completing one assignment at a time. It will help the mind to settle and increase self-discipline and productivity.
3. When your heart flutters and thoughts spiral, try mindful breathing to calm your mind and relax your body. Focus on your breath, and try to inhale through one nostril and exhale air out of the other. Did you try it? This trick is my favorite because it is impossible to think about anything else and accomplish this!
4. Remind yourself that there is no need to beg your Lord & Savior to return your ex to you because if it is destined to be, it will be -and it will never be on your terms.
Remember For Your Heal’n
A great way to begin rebuilding your broken heart is to learn how to live in the current moment. It is the simplest way to live your life, but the most difficult to accomplish. Do not entertain your thoughts of the past and the possible future because you have no control over what has or will happen. Therefore, shift your attention to creating an authentic existence, moment by moment, and feel what is real and not what is made up in your head.
Everything has a hidden purpose for happening, and you must find out the how and why so that you do not go into the next union with the same old habits and intentions for attaching. Remember, your heartache and suffering are trying to teach you something. Listen. Soul search. Do the leg work to redesign a better version of yourself!